Notes on Courage
Inner work for outer action.
When courageous heARTS came to life two years ago, I thought I had emerged from my cocoon. I thought I had checked the right boxes, made the right decisions, walked through the right doors, and emerged on the other side a butterfly.
In many ways I did. I took flight and felt the wind beneath my wings. (cue Bette♫)
Ok, sorry about that-- it was there, I had to take it. :-)
Flying was really fun, but eventually I got tired. I found myself flying less, and becoming more concerned with scarcity-- of time, of money, of ME!
I haven't birthed any children, but courageous heARTS is so much of who I am that it was hard to separate its well-being from my own. Much like parenting an infant, when your lack of sleep is secondary to your baby's need for nourishment, I took a backseat to it. No matter how much you love your baby there are also times when all you want to do is sleep, or eat, or play without having to think about their needs. I poured all of me, every ounce, into this entity that was me- is me.
In some ways I felt more alive, more whole. But in others, it was clear to me that I was becoming scarce. I was struggling to separate my identity from the organization's and to find my voice again.
Since mid-December I've been laying low. There's been sickness, and holidays, and weddings, and anniversaries. I've been engaged in my immediate world, but in many ways I have felt a stillness and an anticipation of things to come. I feel like I've been in a cocoon-- safe and warm, waiting for just the right time to emerge.
As I look back on 2014, it's clear to me that I spent the year finding my own nourishment. I thought I was in flight, but in reality I was a caterpillar munching on leaves. That nourishment will make me a stronger butterfly, and a wiser one.
There's this saying, "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."
It speaks to the kind of change we all go through at different times in our lives. Transformations that make us unrecognizable to ourselves and sometimes even to those around us. It also speaks to the unspeakable beauty of becoming what you were always intended to become.
About the blog:
This space holds thoughts and ideas generated from my personal journey of healing and recovery from trauma, co-dependency, and white supremacy culture. Opinions are entirely my own.